It's as if every possible feeling is sitting around in my mind wondering what it's supposed to do when all the other feelings are around.
I found out a few days ago that I'm headed home a week early. Leaving on June 12th would've meant that I had less than 24 hours at home with my family before heading to Hope and it wasn't enough for any of us. Saying goodbye to Scotland a bit earlier than expected is bittersweet. I really dislike that word to describe my time here because it feels like such a cop-out. Maybe I'll elaborate. I look at my calendar and see 11 days left and I immediately create a mental list of every person, every place, every thinking spot that I won't see anymore. I know 11 days won't be enough time to say all those goodbyes, but I know that a week more wouldn't be enough time either. On the other hand, I look at my calendar and see 11 days left and I think about how that's the closest I've been in 4 1/2 months to the people I love. So ya see, I don't like the word bittersweet because there's nothing truly bitter about my time here, and the word sweet sure doesn't do it justice either. So here I am, stuck with no word to describe my last 11 days here. Well, wait a minute...
Sometimes Mary and I play a game. It's called iTunes Shuffle Your Terrible Library. (It's not. I made that up just a second ago.) Anyway, we say something like, "This is the song that represents my feelings about haggis." Or, "The clouds would say this if they could speak." We normally don't listen to all the words and just look at the title of the track. It usually ends with too much laughing, but the day before we left Hope College in January, it ended differently. We played this silly game at our friend Jess's cottage and I was sitting in a big chair and Mary was sitting on the arm and I said, "This song will describe our time in Scotland." I clicked shuffle and we both looked at the song and looked at each other. I hoped it would be true. And guess what?
The only words to describe my time here seem to have appeared on my computer screen on January 23rd on iTunes Shuffle Your Terrible Library.
11 days to go. And I look out my window and know that my best friend is sitting in her room too wondering how that can be. But I know she's there. And somehow, I'm here too. I'm in Scotland and part of me isn't ready for June 5th. Feels like home to me.
(Ermmm, did I mention that I have two beastly exams coming up? Trying to avoid James Watt and other Enlightenment thinkers, epistemology, and the mind-body problem? Write a blog. Woops.)